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Saturday, December 21, 2013

Chapter1: Umm…What’s Merge?

                                                                       Construction Knick Knack Attack
                                    A merge in which all orange arrows and flashing lights caution approaching vehicles that the road is closed ahead or that there is a lane reduction.  But the cidiot is somehow hypnotized in the midst of making a very important decision to get over.  People who suffer from this attack find that they are uncontrollably drawn to the flashing arrows against their will and therefore cannot get over before they reach the row of prohibiting orange cones that eventually forces them over into your lane.  They usually travel in groups of two or more because this is a very contagious phenomena.
                                                                       Magnetic Parallel
                                    A maneuver in which the moron operating the vehicle that needs to merge into traffic casually decides that being patient is not worth it.  Without so much as a backwards glance or hint of caution, the moron will nonchalantly sweep their vehicle into the targeted lane forcing other vehicles to either stomp on their breaks or move over.  You will often find that these drivers also suffer from certain “lane related disorders” as will be covered in chapter 4 “Lanes”.
                                                                 Ramp Coaster Assault
                                    You look to your right and spot a vehicle careening down the entrance ramp at 90 mph into rush hour traffic.  You and the tyrant behind the wheel eventually approach the point where the entrance ramp merges into one lane and the opposing vehicle does not want to get behind you but in front of you and the ten other cars that have already passed the entrance ramp.  If all else fails, the culprit will gladly take your place in line.  Often times this type of merge is used in conjunction with the “in-your-face shoulder pass” or “periphery marginal bypass”.  Please see chapter 5 “The Shoulder” for further details.
                                                                 The Para-Lane Bluff
                                    When pulling off this type of merge, a cidiot would have to be completely oblivious. Unlike the “Ramp Coaster Assailant” who will joust you over into the neighboring lane during rush hour traffic, this cidiot has no idea that they’re supposed to gracefully merge into your lane or wherever they can fit in.  Yep.  They’d rather stay in that merging lane that’s about to take them straight up the exit ramp and away from the expressway traffic.  But wait… it looks like they wanted to merge after all, just as you were about to pass by, forcing you to swerve to avoid being side swiped.  Judging by their aloof expression, they may not have been aware of the accident they almost caused. In fact, they may not even be aware that they’re on the freeway.
                                                                     The Invisi-Red  
                                    So you’re driving along on the expressway.  Traffic seems to be flowing normally. All of the cars coming down the entrance ramp are merging gracefully into oncoming traffic….except for one cidiot who has ample room to glide down in front of you, but would rather take delight in making you crap your pants, swallow your tongue, and cause your heart to skip a beat or two after seeing them stomp on their breaks and come to a complete stop.  It appears that only the cidiot can see the invisible red traffic light that has summoned them to halt.  WTF?
                                                                 Sidewalk/Curb Sling
                                    This merge is very unique in comparison to other merges in that the cidiot will actually start up their curb parked vehicle, sit idle until traffic is no longer clear and pull away from the curb, veering out in front of oncoming traffic.  This unhealthy practice is the cousin to cut-off and last-minute practices referenced in chapter 3 “Cut Offs…” or chapter 12 “The Last Minute Law” because of overlapping symptoms.
                                                                   The Real-Time Collide
                                    One of the most dangerous things a cidiot can do is glide from the center lane to the right lane at the same point and time when another person is driving down the entrance ramp and preparing to merge into the very same lane.
                                                                             The Psycho Cyclist
                                          This type of cidiot usually possesses a two-fold personality trait:  as a thrill seeker during the day, they have a fetish for spontaneity.  For example, they often times enjoy turning their backs toward traffic before veering out of the biking lane and into the next lane of fastly approaching vehicles without warning.  By night fall, they become angels of death as they partake in dangerous four-play in the streets, wearing the darkest colors they can find in their closet. Due to their fetish for night time camouflage, very seldom do these cidiots invest in night gear.
                                                                Bottleneck Syndrome
                                    It looks like one cidiot was too busy to map out where they needed to go today.  They practically clogged up the middle lane in an attempt to merge over into the right lane at the last minute and make a very important right turn.  Maybe someone played a dirty trick on them and moved the street to a different spot.  That would explain why they didn’t see it in enough time to merge over into the right lane ten miles ahead of time.  These cidiots usually suffer from the same overlapping symptoms as their “Last Minute” cohorts; see chapter 12, “The Last Minute Law”.

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