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Saturday, December 21, 2013

Chapter 7: Those Damn Ordinances


      Emergency Surround Sound Surprise System (E.S. Quad)
 You pull up to a red light, and traffic begins to pile up no more than usual.  You’ve got your favorite radio station going and the windows are down on such a wonderful day.  All of a sudden your station changes and your vehicle begin to vibrate.  You look around to see if there is some kind of earthquake but your surroundings remain intact.  You look to your left. Then you look up at your rearview mirror; adjust it due to the heavy vibration and proceed to look to the right.  That’s when you notice that the cidiot to the right of you has just given you the latest download on “what’s new today” along with a first class invitation to a live concert at “Car-Stock”!
 Relic Relay
  For a moment there, you thought the mechanic mistakenly installed vibrating seats in your vehicle until you noticed the chattering grill attached to a 1980’s pinto, in your rear view.                                                     
  Do-it-Yourself Hauling  If you’re this cidiot , remember this bit of advice the next time you decide to load the back of your pick-up truck with an old refrigerator, an oak tree, metal, door panels, a chimney, window panes, book shelf, computer desk, pillars, the back door, party deck, and the neighbor’s privacy fence, obstructing your rear view, just to get on the freeway and damn near kill the person driving behind you because half the crap fell off the back of your truck and almost into the other person’s windshield. Leave the heavy load hauling to the big boys with the 18-wheels.
  Save-it-fer-Later Gators
 It would help a lot if these cidiots actually took the time out of their busy schedules to buy and install a new lamp bulb into their tail lights so that those of us travelling behind them could better determine if they have their right or left blinker on.

 The “B”-bonic Plague
  Never drive behind a cidiot whose vehicle is puffing out enough “billows” of smoke to strangle you, the front seat passenger, the three passengers on the back row, the bus driver parked at the bus depot, the old man on the sidewalk, the people eating sushi a block away, the shoppers a mile down looking for last minute deals, the butcher around the corner, the opera singer in the middle of a performance in the neighboring city, all of the mountain people and the cidiot himself.
 Tricky-Treat Traveler
Only these cidiots know when they’ll be making that sudden stop in front of you because the rest of us who are driving behind them have no clue and must quickly mash the hell out of our breaks to avoid ending up in the backseat of the cidiot’s vehicle.  Because they have absolutely no working break lights, they leave it up to us to detect when they’re stopping by taking notice of the gradual decrease in their speed. Just like their ‘save-it-fer-later” cohorts, these cidiots seem too busy to ever get around to fixing their break lights and often assume that anyone driving behind them has a PhD in vehicular telepathy.

One-eyed Suzy
 Save-it-fer-later’s sister is slightly more considerate than her brother.  She will make sure that at least one of her head lights, usually the left one, is working so that you notice her coming down the road in the wee hours of the night.  She’s easy to spot because you may often mistake her for an odd looking motorcycle or a bicycler with one very big head light.

Pin the Train on the Donkey
Only an asshole or a cidiot (same difference), would be foolish enough to write out their death wish on the train tracks by dodging around the railroad bucks as a train is approaching at high speed, just because they don’t want to wait like everyone else. 
Free Wheelie
 Just as quickly as you accelerate, you must decelerate to avoid being turned into a bowling pin as the reckless cidiot on the cross street careens through a red light. Give them the benefit though…perhaps their breaks don’t work in that brand new car of theirs.

Stop-n-Roll Effect
  A process in which a cidiot fails to make a complete stop, instead, slowing down for a brief half second as they coast through the big red and white sign etched with four white letters spelling out the word “stop”. Cidiots who divulge in this type of behavior usually suffer from one of two underlying conditions and in some cases both:  “nopatienceatall” and “noregardforthelaw”.                                          
Bouquet of Ganja
  You never thought you’d see the day when you would be driving under the influence thanks to the potheads in the neighboring vehicle whose thick aroma seemed to have seeped its way through your windows.       
  The Right of Passage
  “I wish I could do that without getting pulled over,” you might be thinking, as you look on in admiration of the cidiot who just showed you a new way to use the turning lane to go around slower moving vehicles.  You’ll find that these cidiots often times save their best stunts for their expressway grand entrance when they get together with their cohorts referenced in Chapter 5, “The Shoulder”.

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