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Saturday, December 21, 2013

Chapter 5: The Shoulder: I Mean...The Passing Lane


                                                                                                                                                            Shoulder Rescue Squad
Traffic is standing still.  But no worries, it’s rush hour.  Everyone knows that you never start out late for anywhere during this time of day; everyone except the guy that’s coming up fast in your rearview mirror of course.  You think to yourself, “If I’m in the far right lane, then he must be on the….”  You look over your shoulder just to verify what you were thinking and it’s true; suddenly the shoulder has transformed into a passing lane.  Not only that, but as he passes you, you notice that he has a couple of followers in tow

The In-Your-Face Shoulder Pass
 So my friend Johnny and I are sitting in stand-still traffic on a major freeway.  All of a sudden we notice the increasing number of shoulder jumpers whizzing by our vehicle just to squeeze in front of the twenty cars ahead of us.  So Johnny gets tired of this blatant violation of the law and steps outs, grabs a nearby construction barrel and plants it in the middle of the shoulder to prevent this rudeness from continuing.  Just as he hops back in our vehicle, I noticed the most peculiar thing….instead of preventing the shoulder jumpers from carrying out their violation, the barrel placement has only encouraged them to become more creative.  So now Johnny and I just sit with our mouths open as we watch the shoulder jumpers drive slightly up the hill and around the barrel so that they can continue to either exit the freeway or bully the drivers ahead of us.

 Periphery Marginal Bypass
  You’re aware that the two lanes to the left of you are closed due to construction and the highway has been cut down to one-lane traffic…that explains why the barrels are there, duh.  However, you notice out of the corner of your eye, a line of cars driving on the other side of the barrels where vehicles are temporarily prohibited for now, to get around traffic in your lane. 

 A. S. S. (Amalgamated Shoulder Symphony)

 As you prepare to slowly glide down the entrance ramp into rush hour traffic, you are suddenly stopped by a train of cars driving backward up the entrance ramp toward you. You can’t believe what you’re seeing as each cidiot join together in unison looking like an assembly line of rejected goods headed back to the quality control room for another inspection.

The Amazing Stunt Dude

 It’s mighty brave of these clowns to park their vehicles so close to the edge of the shoulder and swing their door and body right out into the first lane of fastly approaching expressway traffic without even looking.  They’re just a few inches away from being plastered into the advertisement on the side of the semi-truck being operated by an already sleepy driver who’s probably been on the road for the past three days or so.

  What the Hell?
 This is probably what you’re thinking to yourself as you exit off the expressway, working your way around a bend only to find yourself narrowly escaping a collision with a row of construction barrels partially blocking the lane.  Uhm…a warning sign would have been nice.

  Involuntary Shoulder Reflex
 This nasty habit overlaps with “Last Minute” and “Cut off” symptoms; however, the cidiot is usually parked on the shoulder of the expressway and will slowly cruise off the shoulder into speeding traffic without increasing their speed.  Unbeknownst to the cidiot, they will cause swerving, skidding, backups, collisions, road rage, and just utter mayhem.







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