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Saturday, December 21, 2013

Chapter 4: Lanes: The Broken White Lines

 True Blues of the Confused
 Decisions, decisions.  Sometimes it’s so confusing trying to figure out if the broken white lines are supposed to be the middle of the road or just to the left or right of it.  Where does one lane begin and another end?  One large, heavily perforated lane or three small lanes?  These are questions you may have if you are a complete cidiot. Others may find themselves all of a sudden sharing lanes with these cidiots because they just can’t seem to figure out how those broken white lines work yet.
                                                                     Eye Shadow Bandit
   You’re doing 35 in a 35; you look to your left and notice that the neighboring vehicle is also doing 35 in a 35. Not a problem at all.  However, it also seems that the woman in the car is in an unusual pose, resting her upper body on her steering wheel.  Her car begins to glide a bit too close to yours, almost kissing your driver side and passenger doors.  For some reason she can’t seem to stay in her lane.  You look a little closer and realize that her mirror is down and she’s putting on eye shadow….and she just keeps riding over those broken white lines!  These cidiots can become a bit more daring, practicing this same nasty habit on the expressway.

                                                                     Tri/Quad-lane Driver
  These are the cidiots who like to have four-play with    death while somehow managing to simultaneously take up space in every single lane. You may find this type of cidiot reading a binder-size manual (hopefully the cidiot’s guide) slapped across their steering wheel; reaching for the newspaper on the backseat; stretching to reach the ink pen that fell on the passenger side of the floor; bending down to pick up the coffee cup that just spilled; vacuum the mats and fluff the seat cushions; finding loose change; washing the windows; reaching for the suitcase in the trunk.  If you’ve ever started off in the merging lane and found yourself all of a sudden in the passing lane not realizing how you got there, then this is you.  However many lanes there are, you want to be in all of them at the same time.  It doesn’t matter about anyone else, as long as you get from point A to point B.  In your mind, the road is all yours.  This is truly the most fearless road warrior…I mean cidiot.
  You’ve been driving for a few miles now and begin to wonder why the cidiot ahead of you can’t manage to stay in their lane; at times you see them driving too close to the right shoulder of the expressway and other times nearly side swiping the vehicles  in the left lane. You’ve decided that you’ve seen enough so you go around the cidiot and that’s when you realize something….they’re asleep at the wheel!

                                                         The Clueless Do-less-Drivers
  These are the most extravagant and imaginative drivers because they make up what to do on the road as they go along.   All lanes, no matter how many there are, equals one lane to the ‘clueless do-less’ cidiot.  You may find these cidiots driving against traffic on a one way street; nearly clipping the front of your car while turning too close; nearly taking out an entire row of parked vehicles while making very wide turns; or turning from a “no turning” lane. 
  The Outer-Laners
 Beware of these cidiots at every turn.  They are usually stooges behind the wheel when it comes to staying in their own turning lane.  The next time you have to get in a dual turning lane or a double lane that goes around a bend, take extra precaution against these cidiots driving along side you.  They often times suffer from a symptom called “ihavenoideawhatimdoing” that causes them to launch their vehicle into your lane on top of you in a pathetic attempt to complete what would otherwise have been a very simple turn. Wow.

                                                                Do the “Turn Around”
 I saw something new happen on the road that I had never seen before in my entire driving life.   I was in the turning lane at the light and the folks on the other side of the traffic light facing me were in their turning lane as well. I was ready to lead the pack of cars behind me into a complete left turn and so was the dude in the very first vehicle on the opposite end.  However, something went terribly wrong.  Instead of pulling up nose to nose with me to make his turn, this cidiot continued straight across the light, passing by me and cutting off traffic behind me to complete his turn. I think I even caught a glimpse of him shaking his head as if I and the parade of vehicles behind me were wrong, while showing off his daring new stunt.  

                                                                The Inner-Laners
So there are two lanes; the inner lane is for left turns only and the outer lane is for those who want to either turn left as well or keep straight across the light.  Everyone gets it but the cidiot in the inner turning lane.  When the light turns green, the cidiot decides to keep straight across the light from the inner lane that is clearly decorated with a big, white arrow pointing left, and all of those in the outer lane who want to turn, have to nearly jump the curb to get out of the way and  avoid hitting the very rational and intelligent cidiot. 
                                                              The Arrogant Knights
In spite of letters from the school and enforcement by the police, these cidiots are the most ornery of them all and could care less about getting a ticket or a letter of complaint.  These are the cidiots who love to hold up traffic in all three lanes just to let their kids out of the vehicle in the middle of the street, because they enjoy making things difficult.  You will find that these cidiots prefer this method of dropping the kids off for school as opposed to entering the school parking lot like those of us who actually follow rules. It may be the thrill of getting pulled over by a man in uniform for breaking the law; or perhaps the thrill of seeing their kids almost get hit by a train of cars as they scamper across the street like scared squirrels.

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