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Saturday, December 21, 2013

Chapter 6: Door: Did I Miss Something?

 Dummy Dismount
Ok. So now you’re waaaay past pissed off as you check out the scattered vehicles in your rear view.  They’re like a bunch of confused kindergarten kids trying to figure out where the lunch line is supposed to start.  All because the stunt guy parked at the curb decided to swing his door open into oncoming traffic and exit his vehicle.  You and the other drivers narrowly missed being slapped with involuntary manslaughter charges due to the mayhem this cidiot just caused. Well, this chapter is dedicated to the cidiots who have a fetish for door stunts.  The above referenced stunt is usually used in conjunction with the perpetrator’s body.  These cidiots not only play “stunt guy” at the curbside with their doors; they also enjoy playing chicken with traffic. 

   Dufus Haughty Dismount
  A more ornery version of the Dummy Dismount, this cidiot is very well aware that you have to pass through and will go as far as getting out of their curb-parked car, usually on a residential street, open the passenger door very wide and leave you no room to pass. It doesn’t stop here though.  The cidiot will then take their time unfastening their kid’s seatbelt; let the dog out of the car; rotate the tires, change a diaper, alphabetize their CD collection, perform an oil change, fold their laundry on the backseat and then look at you like you’re crazy for waiting as they take a slow stroll across the street.

Reckless Rembrandt
 You’re almost afraid to look at the ugly mark that’s just been etched into the side of your front passenger door by the cidiot who seems to not be concerned at all about how close they parked next to you. They didn’t even bother to look your way as they slung their big door, with a paint color that’s sure to leave a mark, into yours and squeezed their way from behind the wheel.  To make matters worse, they just gave your side door a final makeover when they reverse-shoveled their door against yours in an effort to close it.  Let’s not even begin to tally up how much it’s going to cost to have blarney purple lifted off pearl white.

 Impassive Swing Tackle
  Unfortunately, you picked a parking space next to a major cidiot.  Just when you think they couldn’t be any more stupid, they rise to the occasion as you prepare to pull into the vacant parking spot to the left of them and their door swings out wide, narrowly escaping a detachment.  In your mind, it would have made sense for the cidiot to wait until you were completely parked to open their door, but you have been wrong before…remember, you picked the parking spot.

 The Sketch Artist
  Beware of the sketch artist if your car is parked along the curb.  This type of cidiot prides themselves by driving extremely close to parked vehicles while giving each driver side door a free sample of their finest art work.  This can also be the end result of “clueless do-less driving” referenced in Chapter 4 “Lanes”.

  The Tantalizing Traffic Terrorist
You're driving down a narrow, two-way residential street and unfortunately must deal with the cidiot approaching in the opposite direction that won't move over to give you enough space to complete you pass.  The cidiot speeds by so close to you that his door almost kisses your door. This type of cidiot is actually proud of the fact that they are bullies on the road and gets off on forcing other passing vehicles onto the sidewalk. They enjoy acting like meatheads behind the wheel while attempting to score points by intimidating you off the street and into one of the resident's fence and flowerbed. Smdh.

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