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Saturday, December 21, 2013

Chapter 3: Cut offs: What the @#!?!!

                                    You and the driver behind you are approaching a left turn.  The cidiot decides that they’d rather cut in front of you and show you the art of turning a corner.  But the trick is to make you stomp on your breaks and swerve to avoid remodeling the back of their vehicle. With less than a fraction of a second to spare, they disappear from your rearview and glide into your front view.  
                                    Note:  Bonus points if your tires screech.
                                 The Bully-Turn Bandit
                                   The green arrow flashes, signaling to you that it’s time to make that turn.  You eagerly lift your foot off the breaks prepared to lead the enormous line of vehicles behind you into that coveted ten seconds of not having to wait.  In the back of your mind you’re aware that every vehicle behind you wants to make that light before the arrow goes red.  You accelerate….and then…the driver in the “no turn” lane next to you suddenly decides that they needed to turn after all.  But wait…they’re not even in the right lane to begin with.  Not only that, they have somehow maneuvered in front of you and the honking train of vehicles behind you.  You’re definitely confused about the cidiot’s offended expression.  They give you the middle finger…you shake your head.  Perhaps you should have studied the book on how to be an idiot. 
                                 Median Whisperer
                                    So the dust has almost cleared enough for you to see the exit ahead of you.  The smell of burned rubber is still fresh.  You’re definitely not the only one shaking your head at the cidiot who has just narrowly escaped splitting their vehicle in half with the solid concrete divider that is supposed to guide traffic into the exit lane coming off the expressway.   They must be very proud of themselves the way they made their tires screech, stirring up a hail of smoke in an effort to cut off a half dozen vehicles and make that last minute exit.  Well, give them credit because this cidiot just showed you how to properly recognize a “Median Whisperer”.

                                Ramp Coaster Victimization
                                    In this situation, a cidiot member travelling on the expressway may decide to pummel their accelerator in an attempt to prevent you or any other vehicle descending the entrance ramp from merging into the ten yards of ample space ahead of the gump.

                                 Million Car March
                                    The freeway is heavily congested due to an accident blocking all three lanes about one mile ahead of you.  It is clear to you and only you that everyone needs to get over into the far right lane and exit off.  For some reason, you notice a train of cars still flying past you and the fifty other cars that were already in the right lane, just to get as close to the exit ramp as possible.  Then you notice that even the cidiots that were behind you impatiently jump out of line just to get in front of you and everyone else that have been waiting ever so patiently in the midst of the snail-pace traffic for the past half hour and hoping that the exit ramp isn’t that much further ahead. Tisk, tisk, tisk.

                                       Trailer Rivalry
                                   Big boy with the 18 wheels could care less if you're half way passed his trailer. He's coming over into your lane regardless so you better hope you can stomp on those breaks within the next split second if you don't want to end up being the newly added commodity among that shipment he's hauling.
                                Suddenly Seymour/Susan
                                    Your day would not be complete without this cidiot cutting you off backing out of their driveway into oncoming traffic just to drive two houses down and park along the curb.  Clearly, this was an emergency move that needed to be executed expeditiously otherwise waiting for traffic to clear first would have resulted in severe trauma due to forced patience.

                                Musical Lanes
                                    So you’re driving in the middle lane on the expressway when you notice traffic beginning to slow up in the left passing lane and the right merging lane.  You continue to proceed with caution as the highway begins to gradually pile up with pockets of confused cars, trying to figure out which lane they want to get in and stay in.  All of a sudden, your nice and steady pace is intercepted by an antsy driver who decides that he doesn’t want to stay in the left passing lane now that it’s at a stand still, and would rather take your front bumper with him than to wait until you and any other traffic following in tow is clear first. 
                                 The Upgraded Michigan Left
                                    Cousin to the sidewalk/curb sling referenced in Chapter 1 “Uhm…What’s Merge”, cidiots who partake in this dangerous habit are a bit more creative compared to their merging cohorts, in that they will pull away from their curb-parked position and make a u-turn in the midst of oncoming two-way traffic.


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