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Saturday, December 21, 2013

Chapter 8: Speed: Ahhh...The Open Road

The F.B.T.C. (Federal Bureau of Traffic Control)
 These well intentioned cidiots often prevail in causing traffic jams as they delight in holding up traffic and regulating speeds above 45 mph; especially on the highway.  It is common to expect traffic speed to drop under 20 mph where there are 45 mph speed zones or higher.  They have sometimes been spotted in groups of two or three where they’ll cruise side by side to ensure that no one gets past their slow parade.

The 20/50
  A process in which a cidiot or group of cidiots start out driving twenty miles over the speed limit and quickly adjust their speed to fifty miles below the speed limit after spotting a patrol car. This drastic shift in speed could be done more smoothly without the cidiot making themselves so obvious, however, due to their lack of alertness on the road to begin with and preoccupation with getting around the lane of slower moving, law abiding drivers ahead of them, they don’t immediately take notice of those colorful, bright lights and large lettering slapped on the side of the police car until a split second before passing by the officer who’s already clocked their speed a mile ago.

The Flying Phantom
 This type of cidiot apparently wants to be a race car driver when they grow up; the way they cut around the curve of the left passing lane at 100 mph; dodging in and out of the traffic, that’s obviously moving too slow for them.  Quite often, they bring out the kid in other cidiots who just can’t help themselves and must partake in the race car fantasy too.

 Nothing against the officers of the law, but these guys may or may not know how intimidating it is for some folks to drive around them when they’re driving 20 miles under the 25 mph speed limit. Many people have had to call in late on account of getting stuck driving behind these guys. They’re also beginning to notice a trend here; sometimes these officers of the law come in pairs and will take up two lanes, driving 10 miles per hour.  It is suspected that the F.B.T.C. works in cahoots with them to regulate speed.

 Cruise Control Culprits
Unlike the F.B.T.C. who is impartial to a particular lane, these cidiots “only” prefer the passing lane that you thought was for the faster moving vehicles who want to get around the slower moving vehicles.  Apparently you were wrong because the cidiot in front of you has their vehicle set on cruise control at 45 mph, a picnic blanket across the front seat, candlelight supper, a portable fireplace, chestnuts roasting, slow jams playing and they have no intentions of letting you pass anytime soon.

Say “Tease”'
 These cidiots know exactly what they’re doing and will toy with you if you allow them to.  They wait until you’re approaching at normal speed behind them and then they’ll slow down while glaring at you through their rearview mirror.  If you attempt to go around, they’ll speed up to prevent you from getting in front of them.  So, quite naturally, you make the mistake of getting back behind them only to find that their speed has drastically dropped again.

The Village Cidiot
Everyone knows to pull over to the side when you hear an emergency vehicle coming through….well, everyone but the cidiot who just has to make that green light, otherwise, they’re going to be late for that very important meeting.

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