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Saturday, December 21, 2013

Chapter 15: Parking



Sniper Jane/Joe 
You ease up ever so patiently in anticipation of getting an ideal parking spot; so close to the door it seems criminal.  You’re almost in there.  Just a couple more feet and the guy that’s leaving it to you will be on his way.  Suddenly you notice that the John Doe in the next aisle has spotted the soon-to-be-vacant parking space also.  You tighten your grip on the steering wheel, sensing that they’re about to make a move.  The parking space is suddenly empty.  You stomp on the accelerator and then must suddenly stomp on the brakes to avoid ruining John Doe’s paint job since he has so rudely wedged his vehicle between your front bumper and the parking space that was yours!  You’ve just been hit by the “Sniper Jane/Joe”.

Boorish Brute Syndrome
While you’re in that nice, air-conditioned super market deciding over pork chops or beef round for about an hour, your poor grandmother is trapped inside your hot car trying to figure out how to let the windows down.

Slapdash Sally/Stewy
Perhaps we’ve had it wrong all along.  If you’re driving down the aisle to find a parking space, you’re supposed to let the cidiot who’s pulling out of their parking space without looking first, back out on top of your car.

 The Bogie
You pull into the parking lot and see that it’s crowded.  Almost all of the parking spaces are filled except the ones ten miles away from the door and a couple of handicapped spaces.  Without even weighing your options, you just glide your vehicle right into one of the handicap spaces, knowing that you’re neither handicap nor do you have a placard.  And you figure you’re justified in your bogus behavior because you’ll only be a few minutes?

 Fire Lane Drifters
Perhaps you’re crazy for thinking those striped lines in front of the store were intended for fire lane use only.  But you just saw a cidiot parked there for at least one hour, waiting for their mom, dad, sisters, brothers, cousins, in-laws, uncles, and aunts to come out of the store with three shopping carts packed to the top with groceries.  These drifting cidiots usually repeat the same offense from store to store.

Contrary Carrie 
 You look both ways as you slowly ease out of your parking space, seeing that the aisle is clear, only to realize that your attempt has been abruptly intercepted by a gump who decides to come out of nowhere and park in the aisle way behind your vehicle blocking you halfway in, while they let their elderly mother out; run around to the back to get her walker out; put lipstick on; throw their coat on the backseat; chat with a friend; tie their shoe laces; do ten jumping jacks; walk their elderly mother to the front entrance of the store; stroll back to their car and take a ten minute yoga cool down before finally moving out of your way.

  A.P.E. (Aloof Parking Expert)
 You might want to change your mind about parking next to this cidiot who by the way, is simultaneously parked in two different parking spaces.  I guess they didn’t know that they were supposed to park “in between” the lines.  Instead, they parked the left half of their vehicle in the left parking space and the right half in the right parking space.

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