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Saturday, December 21, 2013

Chapter 14: Spaz Cenral



 The Hundred Mile Wink
This is one of many ways that people may become lost.  It is perhaps the most common of the “Spaz Central” occurrences.  Just consider the vehicle in front of you the next time you’re on the road and you notice that their turn signal has been winking at you since they pulled in front of you twelve blocks back.

 The Perplexed Wanderer 
 A process in which the cidiot proceeds to turn right with their left blinker on; the cidiot may also attempt a left turn with their right blinker on. The same process is used in conjunction with right and left merges.

   The Cataleptic Coast 
 This is a very common freeway practice.  Unbeknownst to the cidiot, their car seems to have slowly cruised its way from the street top traffic to the faster paced freeway traffic.  Normally, it takes a few moments or a little longer before the cidiot realizes that they’ve just merged at 0 miles per hour in front of a fast moving train of vehicles. In some cases, the cidiot will become startled after being thrusted out of their trance by honking horns; in other cases, they never wake up at all.

  Red Light Special 
You patiently waited out the one minute it took for the traffic light to switch from red to green.  The lanes on either side of you are flowing smoothly through the green light with no problem…every lane but your lane because the car in front of you is sitting idle for some reason. The cidiot inside doesn’t seem to know that green means go and  just sits there looking everywhere but at the traffic light that will remain green only for another six seconds. Wait a minute, there’s movement.  The cidiot finally realizes that the green light was meant for him/her and the traffic behind them and slowly proceeds on through, but not before causing you and the traffic behind you to get caught by a freshly recycled red light.

The Assault and Battery 
So when you went in to work this morning, you almost felt sorry for the cidiot parked next to you who left their lights on.  But since you may not necessarily know the cidiot, you suppose it wouldn’t hurt to pull out the cables at the end of the day and offer them that jump they’ll need to get that battery going again.

  Small Blunders  
You realized you left the keys in the ignition but not before mashing down the lock button, closing the door, taking the elevators to the 8th floor, getting coffee, answering a few phone calls, having lunch in the cafeteria and taking a potty break.

The Four-Wheel Phantom 
The “invisible” vehicle that only makes itself “visible” to cidiots by appearing in front of them on the expressways, causing them to flash their breaks every few seconds, which in turn causes traffic behind the cidiot to move a lot slower than usual and possible congestion.

 Hallucinogenic 
No one else but the cidiot can see the four-wheel phantom in front of them, causing them to flash their breaks every few seconds.

 The Graduate 
You’re probably wondering why you weren’t informed that now drivers can use the wrong side of the expressway to get to their destination much faster, like the cidiot headed your way while you’re maintaining a 70 mph pace in the left passing lane.  Don’t be alarmed, but you’ll more than likely run into another cidiot doing the same thing on a one way street or on the wrong side of the island that separates two-way traffic.  To qualify for this stunt, you must have successfully graduated up from the “Lanes” class.

 I.C.U. (Intensively Confused Unit)
 Is there anywhere in the driver’s manual that says: In the event that you’re driving eastbound on the expressway and spot an ambulance on the opposite side of the shoulder going westbound, you should come to a complete stop in front of all of that traffic behind you that’s going a steady 70mph?

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