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Saturday, December 21, 2013

Chapter 13: The Gas Station

Have you ever stopped to get gas only to see that the last two available pumps are being blocked by one vehicle? While waiting for whoever the cidiot is to come out and free up the gas pumps, you spot the owner of the vehicle casually strolling out with a case of beer in hand and a pack of cigarettes, but they’re not getting gas at all. WTF?

Dukes of Cordon

These types of cidiots pride themselves by being meatheads and using their vehicles as barriers in front of the door entrance of the gas station.  They show absolutely no regard for store policies and will practically scoff at prohibitions while working their way inside the gas station where they usually spend about fifteen minutes to half and hour flipping heads for hot chips and tails for onion rings.  Seriously, which part of “No Parking in Front of the Door” don’t they understand?

Gutsy Gustafson

Cousin to Contrary Carrie (see Chapter 15, Parking), this cidiot will wait until you’re parked (not in front of a pump like a cidiot) and inside paying for gas and perhaps a few snacks for the road, before they decide to create a parking space directly behind you, leaving no space for you to back out.  By the time you come out and realize you’re blocked in, the cidiot has somehow successfully passed by you undetected and is  inside getting a slushy but can’t seem to make up their mind about whether to get the glazed, figure-eight donut or the banana nut muffin.

The Tail Backer

Similar to double-dipping, this type of cidiot can always be found posing as the “authorities”, restricting access in this case, to the other pump.  They have a nasty habit of parking the back half of their car in front of pump A while their front half is in front of pump B (the idle pump), making it impossible for the other person to get to the idle pump. The cidiot will take their time getting out of the vehicle, often aware and rarely oblivious to the fact that the nose of their car is preventing you from pulling in to get gas.  As if that’s not enough to burn a hole in your butt, they’ll either slowly stroll inside and pay for their gas or swipe their credit card at the pump and take their time pumping out every gallon they paid for; wash their windows; dry their windows; check empty cans on the back seat for refunds before either tossing them or keeping them; pick out a CD to play; throw trash away then jump back in the car and take their time figuring out how to put the car in drive.

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