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Sunday, December 22, 2013

About the Authors

D.C. HEAD has been writing for many years, contributing short stories and poems to local publications, but is best known for her self-published compilation of poetry entitled Flow.  


G. HEAD, Co-Author, has always considered writing a hobby but didn’t take it seriously until she contributed her humorous perspective for the first time to the The Little Handbook for the Navigationally Challenged Cidiots.

KEN HEAD, Co-Author, discovered his love for writing at the tender age of five, leisurely writing many works of children’s fiction that he hopes to publish one day.

S.V. HEAD, Co-Author and Illustrator, has illustrated for several books including Flow and The Little Handbook for Navigationally Challenged Cidiots.

Saturday, December 21, 2013

Quiz Time!

Test yourself by answering each question honestly to see where you fall on the cidiot chart.

  1.  A driver is attempting to merge in front of you on the expressway.  You usually:
    1. Speed up to keep them from merging even though you have ample room ahead of you. (1)
    2. Either move over into the neighboring lane if possible or slow down to allow the driver to complete their merge. (3)
    3. Blow your horn if they’re not merging fast enough. (2)

  1. The expressway traffic is moving slow due to an accident in the left passing lane and you’re less than one mile away from your exit.  Would you:
    1.  Wait patiently in the stop and go traffic until you get to your exit. (3)
    2. Use the right shoulder as a passing lane and exit off. (1)
    3. Dodge from lane to lane, depending on which one is moving a little bit faster than the other, until you get to your exit. (2)

  1.  The railroad bucks are coming down due to a train approaching in the distance.  You would:
a.        Stop and wait patiently for the train to pass. (3)
b.      Make a u-turn and try to find another street or route to avoid waiting for the train to pass. (2)
c.       Attempt to beat the train by speeding around the railroad bucks. (1)

  1.  You’re approaching a two-way stop and don’t see any vehicles coming.  You would:
a.        Come to a complete stop anyway then proceed across. (3)
b.      Slow down just a little bit without stopping completely, and then proceed across. (2)
c.       Continue across since there aren’t any vehicles approaching. (1)

  1.  You receive a text message while you’re driving.  Would you:
a.        Wait until you pull over or park before responding to the text. (3)
b.      Read the text message and respond while you’re driving. (1)
c.       Read the text message while driving but don’t respond until you’re at a stop light or unless traffic ahead of you is moving slowly. (2)
  1.  A driver pulls in front of you, cutting you off.  Would you:
a.       Become irritated and start riding their bumper. (2)
b.      Blow your horn, throw up the middle finger as you go around them, then reciprocate the offense. (1)
c.       Slow down to avoid a collision. (3)

  1.  You’re so close to passing the street you are supposed to turn on and you’re not in your right lane.  Usually you would:
a.        Cut traffic off at the last minute so you won’t miss your turn. (1)
b.      Just turn down the next street and come back up or make a legal u-turn when possible. (3)
c.       Hold up traffic in your lane until you can find a space to merge over and make the turn. (2)

Now that you’ve taken the quiz, tally up your score and refer to the chart below to see how you rated.

What your score means:
7 - 11
You are a major cidiot
12 - 16
You are a borderline cidiot
17 - 21
You are a “Perfect Patty” and could possibly become a cidiot victim.

Chapter 16: Driving Communication Specialists

Euphorian Drexter
 If it sounds like it’s from outer space, that’s because it is. You have both hands on the
steering wheel and driving at the normal speed limit.  As you look to your right, the cidiot 
in the lane next to you appears to be looking down and driving with their wrists.  A few 
miles later, you observe the person a little more closely, while trying to maintain focus on 
the traffic.  You wonder what they could possibly be doing that’s diverting their attention 
from the road ahead. Wait a minute…no they can’t be…that’s not even logical!  By golly, 
she is texting while driving! 

 The Organizer
Just in case you’re wondering why the vehicle ahead of you just slowed down, take a
closer look through their back window and you’ll find that they’re scrolling through
contacts in their phone (all in alphabetical order by the way).

 The Decision Maker
 In the event that you’re still wondering why the vehicle ahead of you is slowing down even more than before, keep looking through their back window and you will see that now that they’ve found the number they were looking for, they have to decide if they want to send a text message or call. A very important decision such as this may require coin tossing.

The Not-So Multi-Tasker
So the cidiot has decided to send a text message instead of call; their speed continues
to drastically decrease, causing you to get caught by a red light while they snail pace
through it. You cover your eyes, not wanting to see the poor cidiot’s vehicle dismantled
by two-way traffic, which they narrowly escaped and barely noticed because they were
so engrossed in sending out that high priority text message.

Chatty Patty
 You don’t need the internet nowadays to destroy a person’s reputation thanks to the
extremely loud cidiot on the cell phone in the neighboring lane who’s just shared her
friend’s personal life with you and three lanes worth of vehicles while waiting on the
traffic light to change. 

Chapter 15: Parking

Sniper Jane/Joe 
You ease up ever so patiently in anticipation of getting an ideal parking spot; so close to the door it seems criminal.  You’re almost in there.  Just a couple more feet and the guy that’s leaving it to you will be on his way.  Suddenly you notice that the John Doe in the next aisle has spotted the soon-to-be-vacant parking space also.  You tighten your grip on the steering wheel, sensing that they’re about to make a move.  The parking space is suddenly empty.  You stomp on the accelerator and then must suddenly stomp on the brakes to avoid ruining John Doe’s paint job since he has so rudely wedged his vehicle between your front bumper and the parking space that was yours!  You’ve just been hit by the “Sniper Jane/Joe”.

Boorish Brute Syndrome
While you’re in that nice, air-conditioned super market deciding over pork chops or beef round for about an hour, your poor grandmother is trapped inside your hot car trying to figure out how to let the windows down.

Slapdash Sally/Stewy
Perhaps we’ve had it wrong all along.  If you’re driving down the aisle to find a parking space, you’re supposed to let the cidiot who’s pulling out of their parking space without looking first, back out on top of your car.

 The Bogie
You pull into the parking lot and see that it’s crowded.  Almost all of the parking spaces are filled except the ones ten miles away from the door and a couple of handicapped spaces.  Without even weighing your options, you just glide your vehicle right into one of the handicap spaces, knowing that you’re neither handicap nor do you have a placard.  And you figure you’re justified in your bogus behavior because you’ll only be a few minutes?

 Fire Lane Drifters
Perhaps you’re crazy for thinking those striped lines in front of the store were intended for fire lane use only.  But you just saw a cidiot parked there for at least one hour, waiting for their mom, dad, sisters, brothers, cousins, in-laws, uncles, and aunts to come out of the store with three shopping carts packed to the top with groceries.  These drifting cidiots usually repeat the same offense from store to store.

Contrary Carrie 
 You look both ways as you slowly ease out of your parking space, seeing that the aisle is clear, only to realize that your attempt has been abruptly intercepted by a gump who decides to come out of nowhere and park in the aisle way behind your vehicle blocking you halfway in, while they let their elderly mother out; run around to the back to get her walker out; put lipstick on; throw their coat on the backseat; chat with a friend; tie their shoe laces; do ten jumping jacks; walk their elderly mother to the front entrance of the store; stroll back to their car and take a ten minute yoga cool down before finally moving out of your way.

  A.P.E. (Aloof Parking Expert)
 You might want to change your mind about parking next to this cidiot who by the way, is simultaneously parked in two different parking spaces.  I guess they didn’t know that they were supposed to park “in between” the lines.  Instead, they parked the left half of their vehicle in the left parking space and the right half in the right parking space.

Chapter 14: Spaz Cenral

 The Hundred Mile Wink
This is one of many ways that people may become lost.  It is perhaps the most common of the “Spaz Central” occurrences.  Just consider the vehicle in front of you the next time you’re on the road and you notice that their turn signal has been winking at you since they pulled in front of you twelve blocks back.

 The Perplexed Wanderer 
 A process in which the cidiot proceeds to turn right with their left blinker on; the cidiot may also attempt a left turn with their right blinker on. The same process is used in conjunction with right and left merges.

   The Cataleptic Coast 
 This is a very common freeway practice.  Unbeknownst to the cidiot, their car seems to have slowly cruised its way from the street top traffic to the faster paced freeway traffic.  Normally, it takes a few moments or a little longer before the cidiot realizes that they’ve just merged at 0 miles per hour in front of a fast moving train of vehicles. In some cases, the cidiot will become startled after being thrusted out of their trance by honking horns; in other cases, they never wake up at all.

  Red Light Special 
You patiently waited out the one minute it took for the traffic light to switch from red to green.  The lanes on either side of you are flowing smoothly through the green light with no problem…every lane but your lane because the car in front of you is sitting idle for some reason. The cidiot inside doesn’t seem to know that green means go and  just sits there looking everywhere but at the traffic light that will remain green only for another six seconds. Wait a minute, there’s movement.  The cidiot finally realizes that the green light was meant for him/her and the traffic behind them and slowly proceeds on through, but not before causing you and the traffic behind you to get caught by a freshly recycled red light.

The Assault and Battery 
So when you went in to work this morning, you almost felt sorry for the cidiot parked next to you who left their lights on.  But since you may not necessarily know the cidiot, you suppose it wouldn’t hurt to pull out the cables at the end of the day and offer them that jump they’ll need to get that battery going again.

  Small Blunders  
You realized you left the keys in the ignition but not before mashing down the lock button, closing the door, taking the elevators to the 8th floor, getting coffee, answering a few phone calls, having lunch in the cafeteria and taking a potty break.

The Four-Wheel Phantom 
The “invisible” vehicle that only makes itself “visible” to cidiots by appearing in front of them on the expressways, causing them to flash their breaks every few seconds, which in turn causes traffic behind the cidiot to move a lot slower than usual and possible congestion.

No one else but the cidiot can see the four-wheel phantom in front of them, causing them to flash their breaks every few seconds.

 The Graduate 
You’re probably wondering why you weren’t informed that now drivers can use the wrong side of the expressway to get to their destination much faster, like the cidiot headed your way while you’re maintaining a 70 mph pace in the left passing lane.  Don’t be alarmed, but you’ll more than likely run into another cidiot doing the same thing on a one way street or on the wrong side of the island that separates two-way traffic.  To qualify for this stunt, you must have successfully graduated up from the “Lanes” class.

 I.C.U. (Intensively Confused Unit)
 Is there anywhere in the driver’s manual that says: In the event that you’re driving eastbound on the expressway and spot an ambulance on the opposite side of the shoulder going westbound, you should come to a complete stop in front of all of that traffic behind you that’s going a steady 70mph?

Chapter 13: The Gas Station

Have you ever stopped to get gas only to see that the last two available pumps are being blocked by one vehicle? While waiting for whoever the cidiot is to come out and free up the gas pumps, you spot the owner of the vehicle casually strolling out with a case of beer in hand and a pack of cigarettes, but they’re not getting gas at all. WTF?

Dukes of Cordon

These types of cidiots pride themselves by being meatheads and using their vehicles as barriers in front of the door entrance of the gas station.  They show absolutely no regard for store policies and will practically scoff at prohibitions while working their way inside the gas station where they usually spend about fifteen minutes to half and hour flipping heads for hot chips and tails for onion rings.  Seriously, which part of “No Parking in Front of the Door” don’t they understand?

Gutsy Gustafson

Cousin to Contrary Carrie (see Chapter 15, Parking), this cidiot will wait until you’re parked (not in front of a pump like a cidiot) and inside paying for gas and perhaps a few snacks for the road, before they decide to create a parking space directly behind you, leaving no space for you to back out.  By the time you come out and realize you’re blocked in, the cidiot has somehow successfully passed by you undetected and is  inside getting a slushy but can’t seem to make up their mind about whether to get the glazed, figure-eight donut or the banana nut muffin.

The Tail Backer

Similar to double-dipping, this type of cidiot can always be found posing as the “authorities”, restricting access in this case, to the other pump.  They have a nasty habit of parking the back half of their car in front of pump A while their front half is in front of pump B (the idle pump), making it impossible for the other person to get to the idle pump. The cidiot will take their time getting out of the vehicle, often aware and rarely oblivious to the fact that the nose of their car is preventing you from pulling in to get gas.  As if that’s not enough to burn a hole in your butt, they’ll either slowly stroll inside and pay for their gas or swipe their credit card at the pump and take their time pumping out every gallon they paid for; wash their windows; dry their windows; check empty cans on the back seat for refunds before either tossing them or keeping them; pick out a CD to play; throw trash away then jump back in the car and take their time figuring out how to put the car in drive.

Chapter 12: The Last Minute Law: Did You See That?


 Spontaneous Special
 A true cidiot never reveals their next moves on the roads.  They always catch you by surprise, especially when they decide at the last minute that they want to make that turn that almost cost them a new bumper.  Only the most skilled cidiots can pull off this move which requires quick precision as the cidiot stomps on their brakes a split second before turning a corner. You may also catch a less than one second flash of a turn signal or in some cases, no signal at all.

Third Lane Glide
  A maneuver similar to the “median whisperer” referenced in Chapter 3 “Cut offs”, in which the cidiot in the left passing lane glides two or sometimes three lanes over to the right at 70 mph, nearly taking your front bumper with them, in an attempt to make that exit that’s coming up in three, two, one second. 

 Jr. Spontaneous Special with Spur of the Moment on the Side
 You’re at the light, waiting patiently for the signal to go.  Alas, the light is green when all of a sudden the cidiot in front of you has an epiphany behind the wheel preventing them from proceeding across the light.  They decide that holding up you and the mile long traffic behind you at the light so they can make a last minute turn is for the best.

 The Wedgie
How about those cidiots who assume that we all can stop on a dime so they can wedge their way between us and the car ahead of us at the very last second?

Snail Pace Suzy
  Also considered a type of cut-off, this cidiot will wait until you’re within a few inches of approach and have adopted a nice and steady speed, before they snail-pace their way off some side street, cruising out in front of you forcing you to slow down to 10 miles per hour; they never seem to pick up their speed. You may find yourself having to break really hard to avoid hitting this cidiot who may or may not be aware that they just pulled out into a speeding herd of motor.

 Lord Tyrant of Barrier Lane
 You’ll find these cidiots operating the big yellow cheese buses or the oversized 18-wheelers. Often displaying traits of Napoleon Syndrome, they have something to prove by being the bully of the road.  They thrive off jolting the front half of their robust frames into oncoming traffic; one of their common intimidation traffic tactics, forcing the approaching smaller vehicles to either yield or be flattened.  They usually suffer from cut-off syndromes as well.

Chapter 11: Road Rage: Kiss My Arse!!

Motor Mouth Motorist
 Angry driver cuts you off; you blow your horn in response.  They flip you the “birdie”. You stomp the accelerator and catch up with them just to roll down your window and toss out a profane word or two.  Steamy driver bangs on the steering column and orders you to pull over so that they can show you a new way to use the club.  This is road rage in its simplest form.
Tit-for-Tat Pat/Mat
Silly driver on the phone glides over, nearly clipping the front of your vehicle in an attempt to exit; already irritated with the early morning congestion, you speed off the freeway following her at every turn just to reciprocate the offense.
Avenger Mike
Gone are the days when people would quickly move out of the way at the simple toot of a horn.  The modern day cidiot not only takes offense to horn tooting; they honk back, follow you to your house, drive along side you cursing at you through the window, side swipe you, shake their fist at you, threaten your kids, stalk you, call your house twenty times and hang up, break in your house and eat your food, and they won’t stop until they run you and your vehicle off a cliff somewhere in a remote desert that’s nowhere near your destination.

The Fast and the Delirious
Crazy driver next to you all of a sudden gets mad because you’re driving five miles faster than he is and turns your trip home into a drag race to hell.
The Tag-Swag
You can’t blame this cidiot; after all you did pull out in front of them cruising under the speed limit.  In a sense, you actually provoked them to tear out from behind you at 80 mph, jump back in front of you then stomp on their breaks.
The Changeling
Driver is aware that he/she leaves work everyday at the same time that rush hour begins. In spite of this, driver becomes angry because they have to sit in the middle of congestion.  Driver suddenly starts blaring their horn as if this will somehow make the other vehicles magically part like the Red Sea so that he/she can make their exodus.

Chapter 10: Windows: "Look What I Can Do"!

 Wee Window Washers
 These little tikes most assuredly never wear seatbelts.  For they have the important job of making sure the back windows stay polished.  They usually travel in groups of five or more and may cause obstruction of view; though the cidiot driver wouldn’t notice. In fact, their mini circus act is never discouraged by the driver.  Parents may also use them as car alarms when shopping.
 Portable Kiddie System
 You’ve heard about the cidiots who leave their kids in the car while they shop but little did you know that there was a valid reason behind this (yeah right).  These cidiots aren’t as fortunate as most of us whose vehicles come equipped with alarm systems, therefore, it becomes absolutely necessary to use the kids as alarms instead.
 The Invincibles
  So you catch up with a car that’s been weaving in and out of traffic the last five miles; driving extremely recklessly.  You angrily glare over to see who the culprit is and realize that not only are there so many people in the vehicle you can barely make out who’s who, but that the driver and all of his passengers look as though they should still have training wheels on their bikes. 

 Hubbub the Flub
 You would think that after all of that begging for your parent’s keys to the car and finally getting them that you would at least attempt to show them that you can manage to keep the car out of the neighbor’s flowerbed. 

 Unlicensed to Kill
Cidiots who partake in this kind of behavior are the easiest to detect on the roadways and expressways because these unlicensed gumps don’t know how to tread softly.  They absolutely love the attention they get as they blow through stop signs and red lights, speed down residential streets, and play Russian roulette with traffic.  

 D.U.I.D.  (Driving Under the Influence of Dummies/Drunks)
 You’ll never find these cidiots alone, due to the fact that they find it hard to function behind the wheel without some coaxing from an inebriated buddy or two.  After all, they need an extra set of balls to be able to run a red light while the cops are watching.  

Chapter 9: Lights and Gadgets: Use'm Already!!


Nocturnal Vehicular Visionary  
Whether it is on the expressway, or street top, we’ve all known and come across the infamous “nocturnal vehicular visionary”.  In a world with no lights, these people absolutely thrive.  For them, everyone knows when they need to get over or turn without the use of that lil’ toggle called a turn signal, inserted by every vehicle manufacturer in the United States and abroad.

P.I.T.A. (People against the Intentional misuse of Traffic Apparatuses)  

This cidiot assumes that everyone sees them driving down the street in the wee, evening hours with absolutely no headlights on. Well… a perfect world where everyone has nocturnal vision, that would be true.       
Flurry Creatures  
There’s snow outside and all of the residents who don’t have garages, unfortunately, have vehicles covered in snow.  For most of us, it seems like common sense to remove the snow from all of the windows and that huge mound that collects on top of the vehicle, before attempting to drive off into the snowy mist. That’s not the case if you’re like these cidiots. Very similar to their P.I.T.A. cohorts, they don’t believe in the use of defrosters and windshield wiper blades at all and will drive long distances with a windshield layered so thick with snow and ice. 

 Uncouth Troupe 

 Come on now, if you know you’re going to use the driving lane for parking so you can unload the groceries, appliances, the dogs, and the laundry; could you at least warn the rest of us driving behind you that you have no intentions of moving any time soon, by pressing down on that triangular button that will magically turn on your hazard lights?       
 Dirty D. A. N. s (Dumb and Nasty’s) 
Surely you can’t see out of that mud encrusted windshield that’s attached to a vehicle that looks as if it’s been parked in the desert for about a month, as your tires peel away from the curb without you so much as thinking about pressing that little knob that squirts out a handy dandy liquid called washer fluid.   

 Impractical Radical  
Who are you trying to fool?  Is it not obvious what you’re up to when you put on your hazard lights in a “no parking” zone just to drop off that rental DVD, cash that check and get that phone number from the irresistible hottie you spotted on the sidewalk? You’ll often find this cidiot hanging closely with their “bogie buddies”, referenced in Chapter 15 “Parking”. 

Street Beams are Made of These
 A situation in which one or more drivers may experience temporary blindness due to the approaching cidiot’s high beams.  These cidiot’s  lack the ability to dim their headlights and are usually guilty of  “Spaz Central” moments such as leaving their headlights on while in the store or at work, etc., see Chapter 14, “Spaz Central”.

Chapter 8: Speed: Ahhh...The Open Road

The F.B.T.C. (Federal Bureau of Traffic Control)
 These well intentioned cidiots often prevail in causing traffic jams as they delight in holding up traffic and regulating speeds above 45 mph; especially on the highway.  It is common to expect traffic speed to drop under 20 mph where there are 45 mph speed zones or higher.  They have sometimes been spotted in groups of two or three where they’ll cruise side by side to ensure that no one gets past their slow parade.

The 20/50
  A process in which a cidiot or group of cidiots start out driving twenty miles over the speed limit and quickly adjust their speed to fifty miles below the speed limit after spotting a patrol car. This drastic shift in speed could be done more smoothly without the cidiot making themselves so obvious, however, due to their lack of alertness on the road to begin with and preoccupation with getting around the lane of slower moving, law abiding drivers ahead of them, they don’t immediately take notice of those colorful, bright lights and large lettering slapped on the side of the police car until a split second before passing by the officer who’s already clocked their speed a mile ago.

The Flying Phantom
 This type of cidiot apparently wants to be a race car driver when they grow up; the way they cut around the curve of the left passing lane at 100 mph; dodging in and out of the traffic, that’s obviously moving too slow for them.  Quite often, they bring out the kid in other cidiots who just can’t help themselves and must partake in the race car fantasy too.

 Nothing against the officers of the law, but these guys may or may not know how intimidating it is for some folks to drive around them when they’re driving 20 miles under the 25 mph speed limit. Many people have had to call in late on account of getting stuck driving behind these guys. They’re also beginning to notice a trend here; sometimes these officers of the law come in pairs and will take up two lanes, driving 10 miles per hour.  It is suspected that the F.B.T.C. works in cahoots with them to regulate speed.

 Cruise Control Culprits
Unlike the F.B.T.C. who is impartial to a particular lane, these cidiots “only” prefer the passing lane that you thought was for the faster moving vehicles who want to get around the slower moving vehicles.  Apparently you were wrong because the cidiot in front of you has their vehicle set on cruise control at 45 mph, a picnic blanket across the front seat, candlelight supper, a portable fireplace, chestnuts roasting, slow jams playing and they have no intentions of letting you pass anytime soon.

Say “Tease”'
 These cidiots know exactly what they’re doing and will toy with you if you allow them to.  They wait until you’re approaching at normal speed behind them and then they’ll slow down while glaring at you through their rearview mirror.  If you attempt to go around, they’ll speed up to prevent you from getting in front of them.  So, quite naturally, you make the mistake of getting back behind them only to find that their speed has drastically dropped again.

The Village Cidiot
Everyone knows to pull over to the side when you hear an emergency vehicle coming through….well, everyone but the cidiot who just has to make that green light, otherwise, they’re going to be late for that very important meeting.

Chapter 7: Those Damn Ordinances


      Emergency Surround Sound Surprise System (E.S. Quad)
 You pull up to a red light, and traffic begins to pile up no more than usual.  You’ve got your favorite radio station going and the windows are down on such a wonderful day.  All of a sudden your station changes and your vehicle begin to vibrate.  You look around to see if there is some kind of earthquake but your surroundings remain intact.  You look to your left. Then you look up at your rearview mirror; adjust it due to the heavy vibration and proceed to look to the right.  That’s when you notice that the cidiot to the right of you has just given you the latest download on “what’s new today” along with a first class invitation to a live concert at “Car-Stock”!
 Relic Relay
  For a moment there, you thought the mechanic mistakenly installed vibrating seats in your vehicle until you noticed the chattering grill attached to a 1980’s pinto, in your rear view.                                                     
  Do-it-Yourself Hauling  If you’re this cidiot , remember this bit of advice the next time you decide to load the back of your pick-up truck with an old refrigerator, an oak tree, metal, door panels, a chimney, window panes, book shelf, computer desk, pillars, the back door, party deck, and the neighbor’s privacy fence, obstructing your rear view, just to get on the freeway and damn near kill the person driving behind you because half the crap fell off the back of your truck and almost into the other person’s windshield. Leave the heavy load hauling to the big boys with the 18-wheels.
  Save-it-fer-Later Gators
 It would help a lot if these cidiots actually took the time out of their busy schedules to buy and install a new lamp bulb into their tail lights so that those of us travelling behind them could better determine if they have their right or left blinker on.

 The “B”-bonic Plague
  Never drive behind a cidiot whose vehicle is puffing out enough “billows” of smoke to strangle you, the front seat passenger, the three passengers on the back row, the bus driver parked at the bus depot, the old man on the sidewalk, the people eating sushi a block away, the shoppers a mile down looking for last minute deals, the butcher around the corner, the opera singer in the middle of a performance in the neighboring city, all of the mountain people and the cidiot himself.
 Tricky-Treat Traveler
Only these cidiots know when they’ll be making that sudden stop in front of you because the rest of us who are driving behind them have no clue and must quickly mash the hell out of our breaks to avoid ending up in the backseat of the cidiot’s vehicle.  Because they have absolutely no working break lights, they leave it up to us to detect when they’re stopping by taking notice of the gradual decrease in their speed. Just like their ‘save-it-fer-later” cohorts, these cidiots seem too busy to ever get around to fixing their break lights and often assume that anyone driving behind them has a PhD in vehicular telepathy.

One-eyed Suzy
 Save-it-fer-later’s sister is slightly more considerate than her brother.  She will make sure that at least one of her head lights, usually the left one, is working so that you notice her coming down the road in the wee hours of the night.  She’s easy to spot because you may often mistake her for an odd looking motorcycle or a bicycler with one very big head light.

Pin the Train on the Donkey
Only an asshole or a cidiot (same difference), would be foolish enough to write out their death wish on the train tracks by dodging around the railroad bucks as a train is approaching at high speed, just because they don’t want to wait like everyone else. 
Free Wheelie
 Just as quickly as you accelerate, you must decelerate to avoid being turned into a bowling pin as the reckless cidiot on the cross street careens through a red light. Give them the benefit though…perhaps their breaks don’t work in that brand new car of theirs.

Stop-n-Roll Effect
  A process in which a cidiot fails to make a complete stop, instead, slowing down for a brief half second as they coast through the big red and white sign etched with four white letters spelling out the word “stop”. Cidiots who divulge in this type of behavior usually suffer from one of two underlying conditions and in some cases both:  “nopatienceatall” and “noregardforthelaw”.                                          
Bouquet of Ganja
  You never thought you’d see the day when you would be driving under the influence thanks to the potheads in the neighboring vehicle whose thick aroma seemed to have seeped its way through your windows.       
  The Right of Passage
  “I wish I could do that without getting pulled over,” you might be thinking, as you look on in admiration of the cidiot who just showed you a new way to use the turning lane to go around slower moving vehicles.  You’ll find that these cidiots often times save their best stunts for their expressway grand entrance when they get together with their cohorts referenced in Chapter 5, “The Shoulder”.